Got A Date

Tonight I have a date with a man from an OLD site. We’ve been communicating for over a week. He’s a divorced father to 4 boys. He’s only been divorced a year. He’s new to OLD and I think this may even be his first date. He is extremely enthusiastic. He makes a lot of references to a future with me. I think he has it in his head that we are a match. While I’m intrigued to meet him, I have learned, you don’t count your chickens before they hatch. I no longer get too worked up before a first date especially with someone that I met online. After jumping into two relationships previously and getting burned, I know I’m going to take things slow when I meet someone who interests me.

There is a certain appeal to his enthusiasm. I remember how good it feels to have someone pursuing you. If I’m into him, I’m not gonna show it too much too soon as I have in the past. I’m gonna make him work for me. Before I totally give my heart to another man and open myself up, I’m going to make sure that he respects me and appreciates my value. If it turns out to be Mr. Mom, great, I don’t have to keep looking! If not, I’m fine too. But if Mr. Mom comes on too strong and can’t have the patience to work for me, then I’ll have to send him on his way.

We’ll see how tonight goes.

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The Value of One on One Time

Being a single mom of 3 boys, I rarely get a chance to have one on one with any of the boys. Since we moved J has been having a really hard time adjusting. He’s had anger outbursts, been really sensitive, can not handle any teasing, complains that no one likes him. It’s been really rough, especially since this has always been my easy, laid back child. He was kicked out of the after school program at the child care center I work for because he threw a chair. So now, he and his twin brother are in two separate after school programs.

Fortunately, I get off work at 3 pm although I usually stay until 3:45 when it’s time to get Monkey C. off the bus. I decided to take Monkey J for some Mommy time. When I picked him up from after school, I told him what we were doing. He thought it was because he doesn’t snuggle me very often. I said “well really it’s because you’ve been having a really hard time since we moved and I thought it might helped if we spent some time together.” He said “yeah, that would be good. We immediately started in on a conversation about why he’s having a hard time. He immediately said that he thinks it’s because he’s not used to living here (our new home). I told him I agreed. We talked about how he’s struggled socially. At his old school he was one of the popular kids. He had lots of friends. This year he has one good friend and one kind of friend. He says a lot of kids are mean to him. He’s not used to dealing with bullying. We started to talk about better ways to deal with it but he got upset so we just moved on to having fun at the park.

We played on the playground a bit and then went for a short nature walk through mange groves to the inter-coastal water way. We just enjoyed observing the nature around us such as hermit crabs, jumping fish, birds, etc. It was a really nice relaxing time. I was so pleased with the time we had together. I really saw the value of insuring I spend one on one time with each of the boys. The twins have never really had time alone with me and Monkey C hasn’t since he was 3 yrs old. This is now one of my top priorities!

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Update Pt. 2-Two Dates, One Day

In fall 2009, I started messaging with The Surfer on OLD site. We would go through times where we’d talk and then times that we wouldn’t. We’d try to set up meetings and they would fail for one reason or another. In May 2010, we started messaging again and decided to set up a meeting for coffee.

All through April and May I had also been messaging with The EMT. We really learned a lot about each other during that time and I shared a lot with him about the changes I was making in my life, how I was feeling about myself, etc. I shared things with him in our messaging that I hadn’t even shared with my Mom or best friend. He was really the only person that I told that I was trying to change a lot of things about myself. I really wanted to be stronger, more confident, and feel more self sufficient in every way. That is a huge reason I started kayaking and wanted a hobby in the first place. I wanted to step outside of my comfort zone and challenge myself.

So The EMT had just moved back to the area from Denver, Co. He still went back there frequently to work at his old hospital for a few weeks. That was the primary reason it took us so long to meet. He got back in town Memorial Day weekend and wanted to take me kayaking. I’d been sick for a week and was dying to get back out on the water. So we made plans for Memorial Day, the same day as my coffee date with the surfer. I was smart enough to plan one in the morning and the other in the afternoon.

My coffee date with The Surfer went great! He was REALLY cute and we got along famously. I was really excited about him! We sat at a local lake on a bench and talked for almost 3 hours. I learned about his 1 yr old son and his relationship with his ex. I also found out he had just bought a kayak! I would have loved to extend the date except I had to get to my other date! So we agreed we wanted to go out again and parted ways.

I drove down to the river and met up with The EMT. After months of messaging, I felt we knew each other so well and it was such a relief to finally meet! I greeted him with a huge hug! He had packed a picnic so we put our kayak in the water and paddled down to a park for our picnic. While we were eating, a storm came up. Fortunately there was a concrete shelter so we sat under there while the storm did it’s thing. Conditions got pretty bad, the wind was blowing and we had some really close lightning strikes. I was really scared. I do not do lightning! The EMT was very calming and comforting. We had some great conversations. We talked out his dad’s cancer and my mom’s cancer. We talked about past relationships and hurts. We talked about what I was looking for in dating and what he was looking for. Turns out they were different things. He wanted to be in polyamorus relationship. I wanted a monogamous relationship. We both agreed that we were interested in each other and would both keep an open mind.

Once the storm passed we enjoyed our kayak on the river. We saw two manatees and even stopped to watch one eat for about 15 mins. He was extremely knowledgeable about kayaking, the plants and the wild life. One thing that really attracted me to The EMT was that he was a very seasoned outdoorsman. He had a lot of knowledge on health and fitness. He made some recommendations to me on exercise and a running program called Couch to 5 K. I was also attracted to his stocky but very muscular body. That is not the body type I typically go for. I tend to like taller, thinner men. But, The EMT just seemed so manly that it was very sexy! We kissed a bit at the end of the date and those big strong arms around me were very powerful! We too decided to see each other again.

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Update Pt. 1

So last time I posted, I was casually dating a chef who was 5 years younger than me, still in his early 20′s and I had gone on two dates with a cop who was I had a lot of similar interests but I was not attracted to him. I quit posting at a time that I was very unhappy with myself. When my ex “The One” got engaged, I realized that I really needed to make some changes in my life if I wanted to get a “good” man. I also knew that I need to “find myself.” I needed to get a hobby and rediscover who I was as a single woman and mom. The first thing I did was quit smoking. It was difficult and in doing so, I gained a lot of weight and it caused some depression. Then I really got upset with myself. By May I got really serious about losing weight and becoming more active. For weeks I really comptemplated a hobby that I would really enjoy. I remembered really enjoying the outdoors and water so kayaking was really appealing to me. It would also get me out exercising which would help to get in better shape.

The Chef had kayaked before and said he’d love to go with me. So we rented a tandem kayak at a local river and went about 4 miles. Halfway through the trip, we came to a bridge where other people where jumping off into the water. In trying to be more adventurous and try new things, I decided to do it too! It took me a good 10 minutes to make the jump, but once I did, I loved it! I fell in love with kayaking that day.

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It’s Been A Long Time!

I’m coming back here to blog again. My life has changed A LOT since my last post in spring of 2010. I found some hobbies I liked and focused on me. Got into another wrong relationship that ended with a broken heart. Then moved 5 hours away from my home town of Tallahassee, Fl to Clearwater, Fl in hopes of making a better life and a new start for the boys and I . There are many other reasons behind this move that I’ll get to later. I’ve got a lot of back blogging to do to bring the site up to speed.

I will probably change the focus quite a bit as well. While dating was a huge focus in my life previously, it is not as much anymore. Now that I’ve moved 5 hours from my children’s father, I’m more of a full time single mom and just don’t have much time to devote to dating. I only go out when someone truly, truly interests me.

I’m really looking forward to the cathartic aspect of blogging again and it connecting with other single parent bloggers out there.

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Second Chance

I’m continuing to date the Chef each weekend. We both agree that we are not serious nor exclusive. I think we’re in the same place. We’re attracted to each other and we enjoy each others company but neither of us see this as having relationship potential.

So I’m continuing to to meet new guys. As mentioned in previous posts, I went out on a date a few weeks ago with a cop. Prior to the date, I was SO excited about him. We shared many same interests. However, after the first date, I wasn’t feeling any chemistry. I convinced myself to give him a second chance. He’s such a nice guy and we have so much in common.

I went out with him again last weekend. Once again, I was really hoping to feel something. I was nervous leading up to the date. Then halfway through the sushi, I realized I was never going to feel something. While we shared interests, there just wasn’t a spark. The bad thing was I could tell he really liked me and that made me even more nervous. I recognized that I was going to have to tell him at some point that nothing was happening for me.

After dinner we decided to go to a movie. As we are walking from the car to the theater, he grabs my hand and holds it. Ok, at this point my heart is racing but not in a good way. I was not repulsed but feeling even more anxiety over how to tell him. He didn’t just hold my hand, he held onto it for dear life. There was so much desperation in  the way he held my hand. Granted, I am the first woman he was interested in since his divorce. I felt absolutely horrible that I wasn’t interested in him. Now it was going to be even harder to tell him I’m not interested.

Prior to this date I had considered not responding to texts as a way to not go out with him again but I had been advised to just be honest with him by another guy friend. I didn’t want to as I knew how hard it would be to tell him to his face that he didn’t trip my trigger.  But then I decided to give him another try, thus putting me in a situation where a really nice guy who’s heart was as open as the day is long holding my hand as if he’d never held one before. As this act took place prior to the movie, I was then obligated to continue the act for the next two hours, the course of the entire movie. All the while I’m imagining scenarios in my head of how to let him down easy. When was the perfect time in the night to tell him and what were the right words to say? I decided to wait until he dropped me off at home.

So after the movie I politely imply that I would like to go. We pull up to my house and he says he’ll walk me to the door. While most girls are nervous at this point over whether or not they’re going to get the kiss, I’m nervous about how to avoid the kiss. I opened the door and walked over to the table  and put my purse down. He waited at the door and when I returned to him, I thanked him for a lovely evening. I went for the hug and he went for a kiss and got my cheek. I knew it was now or never so I manage to get out that I thought he was a very nice guy but I didn’t feel anything happening. I even had the audacity of suggesting that we remain movie buddies. He thanked me for my honesty and quickly left.

The scenario was very gut wrenchingly awful. I hated that I made a perfectly wonderful person feel sad. I felt like I lead him on. He took me to a very nice dinner that I’m sure put a dent in his wallet. I could tell that he was genuinely interested and I had to tell him the same thing that he had heard so many times before “he’s a nice guy.”

I want to point out here that I am not the type of woman who won’t go for a nice guy. I married “the nice guy” and I dated “the nice guy” immediately after my divorce. I love the nice guy. Neither of the two previous nice guys weren’t for me and those relationship caused a lot of pain. I just recognized that this nice guy is not right for me either.  He really isn’t what I’m looking for. Even still, it totally sucked that I had to let him down.

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Just Having Fun

I mentioned in It’s a Wash that I was having a hard time breaking it off with guys I wasn’t really into. I think that may have worked in my favor. I’ve been quasi-dating a chef who is four years younger than me. I always enjoyed his company and found him very attractive but couldn’t for see a future with him. Even though I’ve been flaky and broken several dates, he continued to pursue me. I agreed to go out with him a few days ago for one of his friends birthdays. When he walked in my door, my heart did a little flip and that totally surprised me.  For the first time in a month, I went on a date with The Chef with an open mind. I felt myself desiring to cuddle up to him at dinner or hold his hand. He kept me laughing the entire time.

When we got back to my place he showed me some very interesting videos on YouTube. I really enjoyed Tools The Fibonacci in Lateralus. I loved the philosophy behind the song and video.  The music is written to the same sequence as the Fibonacci Code and it encourages you to think outside of the box. It says to grow and expand like a spiral. While the genre of music is not one that I listen to on a regular basis, I was really glad that The Chef introduced me to the song. After this we cuddled on the couch discussing philosophy and life and made out some of course. As he was leaving he got my blood boiling and we made plans for Saturday night.

So now I’m dating The Chef.  He stimulates me intellectually, he’s funny, he’s sweet and thoughtful, fortunately he’s persistent, and he’s VERY HOT! He is a great body due to working out daily. He shaves his head which is gives him a Jason Stathom type look. Actually he reminds me more of Ewan McGregor.

Why don’t I see a future with him you may ask. Well while he’s a great person, a ton of fun and very cute, we have some fundamental differences. We have different philosophies on spirituality and politically. These are very huge for me. He’s also never been around children very much and he just doesn’t strike me as stepfather material. These were the reasons for which I originally was not interested in him but I realized that a man doesn’t have to be marriage material to date. Why can’t I date someone for fun even if I don’t see a long term future with them? If he makes me happy and we have fun together does there have to be more to it?

While I am on a search for my Mr. Forever can’t I make some shore excursions along the way to get to know some fascinating people and learn more about myself? I’m just over a year out of a 10 year marriage. There is no need for me to rush back to the altar. I’m going through a phase of self discovery and I don’t think it’s time to settle down any way.

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