There is a certain appeal to his enthusiasm. I remember how good it feels to have someone pursuing you. If I’m into him, I’m not gonna show it too much too soon as I have in the past. I’m gonna make him work for me. Before I totally give my heart to another man and open myself up, I’m going to make sure that he respects me and appreciates my value. If it turns out to be Mr. Mom, great, I don’t have to keep looking! If not, I’m fine too. But if Mr. Mom comes on too strong and can’t have the patience to work for me, then I’ll have to send him on his way.

We’ll see how tonight goes.

Fortunately, I get off work at 3 pm although I usually stay until 3:45 when it’s time to get Monkey C. off the bus. I decided to take Monkey J for some Mommy time. When I picked him up from after school, I told him what we were doing. He thought it was because he doesn’t snuggle me very often. I said “well really it’s because you’ve been having a really hard time since we moved and I thought it might helped if we spent some time together.” He said “yeah, that would be good. We immediately started in on a conversation about why he’s having a hard time. He immediately said that he thinks it’s because he’s not used to living here (our new home). I told him I agreed. We talked about how he’s struggled socially. At his old school he was one of the popular kids. He had lots of friends. This year he has one good friend and one kind of friend. He says a lot of kids are mean to him. He’s not used to dealing with bullying. We started to talk about better ways to deal with it but he got upset so we just moved on to having fun at the park.

We played on the playground a bit and then went for a short nature walk through mange groves to the inter-coastal water way. We just enjoyed observing the nature around us such as hermit crabs, jumping fish, birds, etc. It was a really nice relaxing time. I was so pleased with the time we had together. I really saw the value of insuring I spend one on one time with each of the boys. The twins have never really had time alone with me and Monkey C hasn’t since he was 3 yrs old. This is now one of my top priorities!

All through April and May I had also been messaging with The EMT. We really learned a lot about each other during that time and I shared a lot with him about the changes I was making in my life, how I was feeling about myself, etc. I shared things with him in our messaging that I hadn’t even shared with my Mom or best friend. He was really the only person that I told that I was trying to change a lot of things about myself. I really wanted to be stronger, more confident, and feel more self sufficient in every way. That is a huge reason I started kayaking and wanted a hobby in the first place. I wanted to step outside of my comfort zone and challenge myself.

So The EMT had just moved back to the area from Denver, Co. He still went back there frequently to work at his old hospital for a few weeks. That was the primary reason it took us so long to meet. He got back in town Memorial Day weekend and wanted to take me kayaking. I’d been sick for a week and was dying to get back out on the water. So we made plans for Memorial Day, the same day as my coffee date with the surfer. I was smart enough to plan one in the morning and the other in the afternoon.

My coffee date with The Surfer went great! He was REALLY cute and we got along famously. I was really excited about him! We sat at a local lake on a bench and talked for almost 3 hours. I learned about his 1 yr old son and his relationship with his ex. I also found out he had just bought a kayak! I would have loved to extend the date except I had to get to my other date! So we agreed we wanted to go out again and parted ways.

I drove down to the river and met up with The EMT. After months of messaging, I felt we knew each other so well and it was such a relief to finally meet! I greeted him with a huge hug! He had packed a picnic so we put our kayak in the water and paddled down to a park for our picnic. While we were eating, a storm came up. Fortunately there was a concrete shelter so we sat under there while the storm did it’s thing. Conditions got pretty bad, the wind was blowing and we had some really close lightning strikes. I was really scared. I do not do lightning! The EMT was very calming and comforting. We had some great conversations. We talked out his dad’s cancer and my mom’s cancer. We talked about past relationships and hurts. We talked about what I was looking for in dating and what he was looking for. Turns out they were different things. He wanted to be in polyamorus relationship. I wanted a monogamous relationship. We both agreed that we were interested in each other and would both keep an open mind.

Once the storm passed we enjoyed our kayak on the river. We saw two manatees and even stopped to watch one eat for about 15 mins. He was extremely knowledgeable about kayaking, the plants and the wild life. One thing that really attracted me to The EMT was that he was a very seasoned outdoorsman. He had a lot of knowledge on health and fitness. He made some recommendations to me on exercise and a running program called Couch to 5 K. I was also attracted to his stocky but very muscular body. That is not the body type I typically go for. I tend to like taller, thinner men. But, The EMT just seemed so manly that it was very sexy! We kissed a bit at the end of the date and those big strong arms around me were very powerful! We too decided to see each other again.

The Chef had kayaked before and said he’d love to go with me. So we rented a tandem kayak at a local river and went about 4 miles. Halfway through the trip, we came to a bridge where other people where jumping off into the water. In trying to be more adventurous and try new things, I decided to do it too! It took me a good 10 minutes to make the jump, but once I did, I loved it! I fell in love with kayaking that day.

I will probably change the focus quite a bit as well. While dating was a huge focus in my life previously, it is not as much anymore. Now that I’ve moved 5 hours from my children’s father, I’m more of a full time single mom and just don’t have much time to devote to dating. I only go out when someone truly, truly interests me.

I’m really looking forward to the cathartic aspect of blogging again and it connecting with other single parent bloggers out there.

So I’m continuing to to meet new guys. As mentioned in previous posts, I went out on a date a few weeks ago with a cop. Prior to the date, I was SO excited about him. We shared many same interests. However, after the first date, I wasn’t feeling any chemistry. I convinced myself to give him a second chance. He’s such a nice guy and we have so much in common.

I went out with him again last weekend. Once again, I was really hoping to feel something. I was nervous leading up to the date. Then halfway through the sushi, I realized I was never going to feel something. While we shared interests, there just wasn’t a spark. The bad thing was I could tell he really liked me and that made me even more nervous. I recognized that I was going to have to tell him at some point that nothing was happening for me.

After dinner we decided to go to a movie. As we are walking from the car to the theater, he grabs my hand and holds it. Ok, at this point my heart is racing but not in a good way. I was not repulsed but feeling even more anxiety over how to tell him. He didn’t just hold my hand, he held onto it for dear life. There was so much desperation in  the way he held my hand. Granted, I am the first woman he was interested in since his divorce. I felt absolutely horrible that I wasn’t interested in him. Now it was going to be even harder to tell him I’m not interested.

Prior to this date I had considered not responding to texts as a way to not go out with him again but I had been advised to just be honest with him by another guy friend. I didn’t want to as I knew how hard it would be to tell him to his face that he didn’t trip my trigger.  But then I decided to give him another try, thus putting me in a situation where a really nice guy who’s heart was as open as the day is long holding my hand as if he’d never held one before. As this act took place prior to the movie, I was then obligated to continue the act for the next two hours, the course of the entire movie. All the while I’m imagining scenarios in my head of how to let him down easy. When was the perfect time in the night to tell him and what were the right words to say? I decided to wait until he dropped me off at home.

So after the movie I politely imply that I would like to go. We pull up to my house and he says he’ll walk me to the door. While most girls are nervous at this point over whether or not they’re going to get the kiss, I’m nervous about how to avoid the kiss. I opened the door and walked over to the table  and put my purse down. He waited at the door and when I returned to him, I thanked him for a lovely evening. I went for the hug and he went for a kiss and got my cheek. I knew it was now or never so I manage to get out that I thought he was a very nice guy but I didn’t feel anything happening. I even had the audacity of suggesting that we remain movie buddies. He thanked me for my honesty and quickly left.

The scenario was very gut wrenchingly awful. I hated that I made a perfectly wonderful person feel sad. I felt like I lead him on. He took me to a very nice dinner that I’m sure put a dent in his wallet. I could tell that he was genuinely interested and I had to tell him the same thing that he had heard so many times before “he’s a nice guy.”

I want to point out here that I am not the type of woman who won’t go for a nice guy. I married “the nice guy” and I dated “the nice guy” immediately after my divorce. I love the nice guy. Neither of the two previous nice guys weren’t for me and those relationship caused a lot of pain. I just recognized that this nice guy is not right for me either.  He really isn’t what I’m looking for. Even still, it totally sucked that I had to let him down.

When we got back to my place he showed me some very interesting videos on YouTube. I really enjoyed Tools The Fibonacci in Lateralus. I loved the philosophy behind the song and video.  The music is written to the same sequence as the Fibonacci Code and it encourages you to think outside of the box. It says to grow and expand like a spiral. While the genre of music is not one that I listen to on a regular basis, I was really glad that The Chef introduced me to the song. After this we cuddled on the couch discussing philosophy and life and made out some of course. As he was leaving he got my blood boiling and we made plans for Saturday night.

So now I’m dating The Chef.  He stimulates me intellectually, he’s funny, he’s sweet and thoughtful, fortunately he’s persistent, and he’s VERY HOT! He is a great body due to working out daily. He shaves his head which is gives him a Jason Stathom type look. Actually he reminds me more of Ewan McGregor.

Why don’t I see a future with him you may ask. Well while he’s a great person, a ton of fun and very cute, we have some fundamental differences. We have different philosophies on spirituality and politically. These are very huge for me. He’s also never been around children very much and he just doesn’t strike me as stepfather material. These were the reasons for which I originally was not interested in him but I realized that a man doesn’t have to be marriage material to date. Why can’t I date someone for fun even if I don’t see a long term future with them? If he makes me happy and we have fun together does there have to be more to it?

While I am on a search for my Mr. Forever can’t I make some shore excursions along the way to get to know some fascinating people and learn more about myself? I’m just over a year out of a 10 year marriage. There is no need for me to rush back to the altar. I’m going through a phase of self discovery and I don’t think it’s time to settle down any way.

I have a really hard time communicating to a guy that I’m not into them, especially when they’re a nice guy. I’ve agreed to another date with last nights date as well as another guy that I’m not into because I can’t let them down easy. So now I’m perpetuating an even worse situation. I need some balls, lol! I think I need to get really wasted one night and call them both up to let them down. Hopefully the alcohol wouldn’t turn me into a rude a-hole.

Another negative to a disappointing date is it gets me thinking about MM. Even though it’s over and he’s moved on with someone else, it is hard to imagine I will ever connect with someone the way he and I did. Obviously he doesn’t feel the same way because he is head over heals for his girlfriend. Yes, I still have feelings for him but I’m a realistic gal and I know the chances of anything ever happening between us are slim. I know he’s really happy. Ultimately that’s what I want for him but there is still a part of me that wishes he were happy with me.  There were many things that went wrong in our relationship. It was really bad timing for both of us. I just can’t help but wonder if it were to happen now if it would work. I know that I can’t hold too closely to the “what if” because reality is something totally different. He’s moved on and I must too. I don’t think about it too much because I know it’s pointless but the thoughts and the feelings are still there on occasion.

I’m sure these lingering feelings for MM play a role in my dating life but I know that if I met someone who there was a connection with these would easily become non-existent. But am I really ready? If I’m still thinking about MM from time to time can my heart really open to a special man if he does make an appearance? I guess only time will tell.

What should I do for now? I don’t know. I’m struggling and have been for the last month on whether I’m ready for this dating thing. I’m sure many people do when they’re in my shoes. I just keep wondering if I’m supposed to be taking time for myself right now or am I supposed to pushing through meeting men who don’t “do it for me” in order to eventually meet the one who will. Oh if I had a good psychic or a crystal ball that could answer all my questions, life would just be SO much easier!

Now he’s asked me to go out, so we’ve got a date on Monday. I don’t know what we’re doing yet. For the first time in months I’ve got butterflies, am stressing over what I’m going to wear, and psyching myself up.  I’d be lying to say I’m not hopeful. I’m also having to push the insecure thoughts out of my mind like “is he going to be turned off by my big badonky donk?” I just keep telling myself that if he’s worthy, then he’ll like me just the way I am. I’m still considering crash dieting for the next 48 hours though to look as skinny as possible. Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh, guys have it so easy!

Ok, even though I’ve knocked “The Rules,” I am going to try some of them out. I’m not going to give away some information too soon like what a huge slob I am. Hopefully by the time he would come to my house, I wont be anymore. I’m going to put on my suit of charmer and try to have a really good time. For at least a month now I’ve felt apathetic towards dating but the last week has changed that. Maybe I am ready. We’ll see what happens Monday night. I’ll definitely post about it afterwards.