It’s A Wash

Well my date was the same story as most of my dates in the past few months. He’s a really nice guy but his personality is not quite what I’m looking for. It’s so hard to describe without sounding insulting towards him.  The nicest way I can describe it is that he’s socially awkward and maybe a little intolerant of certain people and things about life. He also bragged a little too much about his finances and athletic ability. I enjoyed his company and he took me for a really nice dinner but he’s just not for me. I also wasn’t very attracted to him physically. I feel really bad because he seemed to like me.

I have a really hard time communicating to a guy that I’m not into them, especially when they’re a nice guy. I’ve agreed to another date with last nights date as well as another guy that I’m not into because I can’t let them down easy. So now I’m perpetuating an even worse situation. I need some balls, lol! I think I need to get really wasted one night and call them both up to let them down. Hopefully the alcohol wouldn’t turn me into a rude a-hole.

Another negative to a disappointing date is it gets me thinking about MM. Even though it’s over and he’s moved on with someone else, it is hard to imagine I will ever connect with someone the way he and I did. Obviously he doesn’t feel the same way because he is head over heals for his girlfriend. Yes, I still have feelings for him but I’m a realistic gal and I know the chances of anything ever happening between us are slim. I know he’s really happy. Ultimately that’s what I want for him but there is still a part of me that wishes he were happy with me.  There were many things that went wrong in our relationship. It was really bad timing for both of us. I just can’t help but wonder if it were to happen now if it would work. I know that I can’t hold too closely to the “what if” because reality is something totally different. He’s moved on and I must too. I don’t think about it too much because I know it’s pointless but the thoughts and the feelings are still there on occasion.

I’m sure these lingering feelings for MM play a role in my dating life but I know that if I met someone who there was a connection with these would easily become non-existent. But am I really ready? If I’m still thinking about MM from time to time can my heart really open to a special man if he does make an appearance? I guess only time will tell.

What should I do for now? I don’t know. I’m struggling and have been for the last month on whether I’m ready for this dating thing. I’m sure many people do when they’re in my shoes. I just keep wondering if I’m supposed to be taking time for myself right now or am I supposed to pushing through meeting men who don’t “do it for me” in order to eventually meet the one who will. Oh if I had a good psychic or a crystal ball that could answer all my questions, life would just be SO much easier!


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Filed under Dating, Relationship

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